Tice's attempt to get his wayward athletes to find some renewal on the field Sunday failed mightily in a 28-3 loss to the Bears at Soldier Field.

There's no angle football coaches like to use more than everyone's-out-to-get-us. Jerry Burns received wonderful results with this in January 1988, after his team backed into the playoffs and then nearly reached the Super Bowl. And that was basically the underlying theme of Dennis Green's 10-year tenure in Minnesota.

Whatever Tice is selling, the 2005 Vikings aren't buying. With this bunch, he might as well be a telemarketer trying to sell timeshares in Sioux Falls.

It had to come as a shock to Tice on Sunday, as he stood there on the stadium's sunniest sideline, to discover how little he knew about his guys as football players.

Tice made the guarantee figuring he could get his players - the notorious 17 and their embarrassed teammates - to put Sex Cruise aside for three hours and give him their best football.

He read his players wrong. They didn't have three hours of their best in them. They managed to fall to 1-4 by losing to a Bears team led by rookie Kyle Orton.

That was amazing, since Orton is about as ready to play in the NFL at the moment as Tony Mortensen. For the game's first 26 ½ minutes, Bears fans probably would have preferred Tony.

Orton had 35 yards passing, and the Bears had two first downs with 3:17 remaining in the first half. At that point, the Vikings were coming off four consecutive possesions when they started between their 35 and Chicago's 48 - excellent field position.

Daunte Culpepper and his offense turned those possessions into one field goal. And then Chicago slogged 51 yards in eight plays, and took a 7-3 halftime lead.

"I must be drinking again. This must be an alcohol-induced haze, because the Vikings - after all those chances - can't be trailing these hapless louts."

This was so pathetic that the Vikings were not able to continue a tradition they had established in previous road games: the glorious consolation touchdown.

They scored a consolation TD (complete with two-point coversion) in the 37-8 loss to Cincinnati. They scored a consolation TD in the 30-10 loss to Atlanta.

This time, no end zone - only one Paul Edinger field goal, to go with one failure on a dropped hold, one block and one 52-yarder that made it roughly halfway to its target.

Penalties hurt. Throwing 5-yard checkdown passes to Jermaine Wiggins or Mewelde Moore, when 10 yards were needed for a first down, didn't help.

There are now four cooks in the offensive concoction: Tice, coordinator Steve Loney, quarterbacks coach Rich Olson and consultant Jerry Rhome. They also need a math tutor to explain that throwing 5 yards short of a first down to a receiver in traffic isn't conducive to maintaining drives. It is conducive to punts, and rookie Chris Kluwe (unchallenged as the MVP of the 2005 Vikings) had six more Sunday.

The math is simpler for Tice's road record against the Bears: He's 0-4, and against all-comers at quarterback - Jim Miller, Rex Grossman, Chad Hutchinson and now Orton.

Whoever has that duty for the Bears next season won't have Tice to knock around anymore. His fate at season's end was as clear as the October sky on this afternoon.

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