On an online dating site, a person probably has about five seconds to make an impression on you. There's lots of competition. If it's too much trouble to run their blurb through the spell-check on their computer, how much do they actually care? And what's more, how much truth do you think there is in their claim that they have a postgraduate degree if they cannot spell 'intelligent'?

Unless this person is looking for friends – of the same sex – head straight past. If they are still married, how come they're looking for romantic attachments? This kind of ad should make your warning lights flash. Keep right on going past.

The name someone chooses for themselves says a lot about who they are, what they're looking for and their attitude to life and relationships. Kinkyjane, Studfarm and Slipperyandwet leave little margin for error when deciding what they're looking for. Steer clear of those with names such as Saveme or Desperate – they're not looking for a relationship, they're looking for a meal ticket for life.

If someone does not put in a picture at all with their ad, or a picture where they are more or less wholly obscured by the Rottweiler, the tractor or the knitting, there is a problem. Another problem occurs when the picture is so blurred that it could be of anyone south of the Sahara, male or female. No one expects all other people to be oil paintings – let's face it, 90 % of the people checking out the site are no oil paintings themselves. So what's with the no-show picture? Go for someone with a clear picture, who is smiling and who looks genuine, even if they won't win a beauty contest.

This man or woman is cheating on his or her spouse or live-in lover. What's more, the spouse probably doesn't know about it. Don't be surprised on contacting this one if you are charged for his or her services.

People who say this about themselves have a serious problem. Everyone has baggage – that's if you've registered a body temperature somewhere in the last 10 years. If the person doesn't even realise that he or she has baggage, the problem is much bigger than was previously thought.

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