First, it's Ian and CHERYL!!! Last week was unremarkable. He was McStiffy. Yeah, that's what they said. So, they're going to samba. Ian thinks the choreography is too feminine. Cheryl, of course, is always right, and gets pissy about it. He's all “you're not mad at me are you? Cause I didn't remember to bring the corsage? Cause you're still my favorite girl in the whole middle school!” They dance. To “Hips Don't Lie.” Interesting… But at least it fits with the dance. Ian's trying so hard, he really wants to do well. He does the shimmy move and it's not feminine at all! Go Ian! Cheryl, as always, is perfect. And she looks just ridiculously amazing. Len's socks aren't knocked off. Bruno says something but I'm distracting by the hip thrusting motion he's making. Carrie Anne thinks he could be better. Scores: 8, 8, 8.

Clyde and Elena are next. Last week? Clyde sucked, and wasn't really trying. I personally haven't thought he was really trying since week 1, but that's just me. He had to go to China this week for a previous commitment, and it trying to fit in dancing. Oh yeah, this week they're going to be great! Not. His hips just don't…. move. At all. My husband thinks he always looks like he's half asleep. They dance to Marvin Gaye. Clyde looks like he's just… aimlessly wandering around the dance floor. Huh. Not very exciting at all. Judges? Bruno said, “Oh my God.” Carrie Ann? “You're the worst dancer in the competition.” Len thought it was better than that, and that he “really tried.” Scores? 4, 5, 4.

Heather and Jonathan. They're going to do the samba. Heather loves the latin dances, b/c they're free and flowing, and she's “all ooooooooh.” She wants to get rid of Jonathan's chest hair. They're going to wax it. I'm having “40 Year Old Virgin” flashbacks. They wax an “H” into his chest. Oooookay. Now they dance! And they immediately put that waxed chest out there for us. And Heather tromps around on her fake leg. I know, that's ugly of me, and she's done really really well. But since she can't point her toe, that leg looks really clumsy. She's got great legs, though. She falls at the end when she was trying to balance on her prosthetic leg. The judges: Carrie Ann thinks she could get a little better. Len thinks she sold it. Bruno think she needs to polish her top half. Scores: 7, 7, 7.

Joey and Kym's breasts are next. Last week Joey got the first 10 of the competition. This is their first slow dance. Kym's worried Joey'll need some focus for this one, so she brings in his buddies Alfonso Ribiero and Lance Bass. They watch the practicing and Lance and Alfonso join in. Can Joey keep a straight face for this one? Let's see. So far so good! He's got the sexy-looking-in-her-eyes thing down. At the end of the dance, he sits her down next to Lance. Cute! They're good. Len? Thought Joey was feminine. What? Really? Bruno thinks that's totally wrong. Carrie thought he was over-performing it and that it came off a little feminine. Hmm. Scores: 8, 8, 9!

John and Edyta. Last week was not good. John is worried about it, and didn't appreciate the crappy critiques they got last week. Edyta tries to dress him up for Carnivale to get him in the spirit. And they dance. I like John. He's cute. He looks like he's having fun. He's not great, but he's better than Clyde. Bruno thought he tapped his inner child. Carrie Anne gives him a standing ovation for having fun on the dance floor. Len thought he captured the Carnivale spirit. Scores: 6, 6, 6.

Laila and Maks! Last week was… eh. This week they're going to get nasty, to use Laila's words. Her fiancé comes by to check it out. He's less than pleased with Maks' description of the dance as being “all about sex and passion,” and keeps pushing them further apart. It's cute. They dance to “Put Your Records On,” and I like it. Laila's rocking a blue sparkly dress. They've got the sexiness down, I'll say that. The dancing part isn't all that, but they're definitely hitting all the sexy cylinders. The judges like it. Bruno? “luscious Laila” and he needs a shower. Scores: 9, 10, 9. Aha, the gauntlet has been thrown.

Apolo and Julianne. Last week they rocked the waltz. Julianne loves the samba, and so she's extra tough on Apolo. She's getting really bossypants on him, and trying to get him to be a sexy tiger. He says they're going to be known as the hot sexy samba couple from now on. Let's see! Her hair is all kind of crazy, vaguely reminiscent of Sanjaya's ponyhawk. Apolo knows how to move, I'll say that… Yummy. Very nice. The judges agree. Why do they keep showing Florence Henderson? Scores: 10! 10! 10! The FIRST perfect score of the season!! Yay!

Billy Ray and Karina have to follow that, poor things. Last week, they were the most improved. This week Billy Ray was back to work at Hannah Montana, recording a new album, etc, and Karina is worried about the lack of practicing time. Billy Ray is reluctant to show his romantic side, and thinks it's a dance to do in the dark. They're wearing purple. I swear she's pushing around him the dance floor a little. He looks ridiculously stiff. Talk about McStiffy. He looks sooo uncomfortable! I just don't even want to watch it. The judges are too nice, in my opinion. Scores: 6, 6, 5.

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