If you have been to the column before, you know how this works and I ask that you maintain a little patience as I briefly explain to the newbies as to what they can expect. Each week the internet is riddled with news stories about the entertainment industry. I have the envious task of compiling some of the most interesting stories and then ripping them to shreds with wit, logic, sarcasm, and the crudest of humor this side of Anna Nichole Smith's corpse. In addition to that you can find my other weekly sections such as "LOST Logic", "Dr. Nick's Word Association", and "So, I was thinking" amongst others. Sit back, relax, enjoy the ride, and then email me about how much you disagreed with what I had to say.

What an interesting week we had here. The kid from "Even Stevens" won the box office, "Drive" debuted on FOX and hasn't been cancelled yet, and New Line is trying to tickle Ted Raimi's balls into doing "The Hobbit". Unfortunately I don't feel like talking about any of that, so let's get right to business with something really juice right out of the gate.

Do you hear that? That is the sound of thousands of readers simultaneously making a "fap fap fap" sound at the dirty thought of this entire idea. Reports all over the net have indicated that both Knightley and Lohan will star in the film "Best Time of Our Lives" which is about the, oh the hell with it. It doesn't matter what the movie is about. We should maybe just talk about this.

Somebody was on to something when they signed up the world's most famous train wreck for this movie. I am not sure if it is supposed to be artsy or if it is a blatant snuff film. Knightley looks to be fooled if it is snuff. Seriously, Lohan is a train wreck and despite the fact that we are all sick of her antics, we just can't help to take a peek every once in a while. Give a raise to the casting people for this movie. They know opportunity when it knocks. I can't even say if it will even be all that sexy to watch this thing. Imagine with me a bag of antlers and human herpes making love. Yeah, I know. It still sounds sexy, so what the hell am I talking about.

The lucky man is some no-name actor Matthew Rhys. He is quoted to have said, "There will be a bit of a ménage a trois scene going on. I hope I'm up for it!". Oh please! He is more up for it than anyone. This son of a bitch is going to whack it every day in preparation for that one scene. I suggest if he isn't working out that the producers consider I'm Not Gonna Lie's wannabe famous rage-oholic, Jason Wahler.

UPDATE: Bad things happen when you start writing a column early in the week. IMDB is reporting that Lohan is pulling out of this project. Apparently Lohan disagreed with the producers on some details. One can only assume that these details involved her disgust that they weren't going to allow her to show up to work drunk and coked up every day. Perhaps the bag of antlers Knightly will get another starlet to play three way with. Natalie Portman please.

To be honest, I am not even sure if I remember why this guy is even noteworthy enough that his antics become entertainment news. This week our big dumb friend appears to have avoided the news all together. Personally I was hoping that he had a cameo in the sex tape of "American Idol's" Olivia Mojica. Please, Jason, do something stupid this week so we can make fun of you because you are more famous for being arrested and/or having sex than anything else you will ever do.

UPDATE: If you had been on 411 earlier this week you will have seen the blurb about the Wahler/Conrad sex tape being dubbed as not hardcore enough. $500,000 was pulled from the table. I hope all of you who preordered this can get your money back.

The kid actually asks for beer too, which is also part of the outrage. Before you continue on, you probably should check out the video here. As you can see, this sketch was featured on FunnyorDie.com and the kid featured in it is the daughter of director/writer Adam McKay. The fuss is that people think it is appalling that a child would be swearing and asking for a beer. Let's be honest people, there are worse things that a kid could be doing that swearing. It isn't like she was actually drinking the beer and doing a drive by.

First of all, I have a niece and a nephew and while they were in their terrible twos they said a lot worse than that little girl in the video had said. In fact, you couldn't say a damn thing around them without it being repeated. Even whispering didn't seem to work. Oh and even though what they said was terrible, one still couldn't help but laugh. There is something hysterical about an innocent child spouting off curse words.

So with that, I must admit that I loved that video. Littler Pearl cracked me up and she really put Will in his place. In the coming weeks I will be getting a new landlord and I am hoping I don't run into the same situation that this video presented. However, it would be cool to buy time with beer.

Hold on! They are actually going to be making a movie about "Speed Racer"? I don't know about this one, folks. I tried watching the cartoon back in the day and I just didn't get into it. Some of you are probably geeking out over this because you were big fans as a kid. Fair enough. Seriously though, maybe Matthew Fox should get going with some answers on that TV show of his before he starts jumping into major movie roles. Some of us would appreciate that. With that being said, I need to take a minute to preorder my ticket to this thing in advance because, well, Matthew Fox is in it.

My advice to all of you is to not read these reviews. This movie is set up for failure just because it is the second sequel in a series. People was to see it fail. When these people see the movie they tend to try real hard to find things that they don't like. Some might argue that many asshats on the internet did that exact thing to X-3. Be honest people, X-3 was not that bad of a movie. Spider-man 3 should be better off than most sequels because majority of the principle players are still involved. The stars are all back. Raimi is still directing. Bruce Campbell will have his cameo. Alvin Sargent wrote the thing and he also wrote the superior second film. What is there to hate?

A lot of wrist jerkers are complaining about the multiple villain scenario. We don't have to worry because the writers weren't a think tank of third graders on caffeine pills like the Batman franchise once used. The Spidey comics and cartoon had multiple villains after him all the time. Peter Parker isn't supposed to have it easy. That is why we all relate so well to him. If my ranting isn't going to persuade you to just go to the movie and enjoy it then just check out some reviews at Aint' it Cool News.

Are you familiar with the story of this guy? Several months ago he got into a fight on the set of "Grey's Anatomy" for making an asinine remark to T.R. Knight about his sexuality. Then, months later, at the Golden Globes, he made an ass of himself by making a derogatory comment. Well, now the guy is just playing puppy dog and pulled himself from Emmy contention. The cold hard truth on this is that the guy realized that he had no chance of even being nominated in the top five. So, he took his ball and went home. His publicist should have spun this into a story of redemption where Washington is giving up his chance for an Emmy as penance for his actions earlier this year. This really shouldn't be news though because Washington kind of sucks in the first place.

I was really hoping that the kid would have just hung on a few more weeks. I was starting to get real comfortable with talking about this story. I was actually thinking that Sanjaya was going to be a weekly entry into the column. Alas, we will no longer be treated to his presence on "Idol" because he got axed after a horrible performance on a country song. Lets be honest, country is not his style. A lot of the contestants seem to fall in this trap where an incompatible genre kicks them in the balls. Some might argue it is a little unfair because they'll never be singing that genre on an album. Fair enough.

Even the encore performance was horrendous. It kind of killed the great ending that the show had. Did you see the standing ovation Sanjaya got? I don't know if people really felt for him or just hated him so much. The man was genuine with those tears in his eyes and like him or not, he had a rough road to where he got. The elimination was actually a kind of nice television moment. Bye, kid. We probably won't miss you.

This week was a real solid episode. I honestly can say that I don't have one single logistical gripe about it. It was quality all around. Now, it would be illogical of me to not write anything, so I will grasp at straws here and give you some B.S.

Desmond almost got the douche bag award tonight for not giving out all the information he had. That is my pet peeve about this show and something Locke and Eko were heavily guilty of when they had a secret agenda. Desmond saved face when he finally told Charlie about what he saw. For once it seemed like the people who went on a mission were all on the same page. That is much appreciated by the hardcore fans. This is why Desmond, Sayid, and Sawyer are my favorite characters. They don't mess around as much as anyone else.

What really would have been logical would have been Sayid isolating Juliet and finding out what he needed to know. Instead we didn't even get to see the most logical of castaways.

-Paris and Nichole chased down a portly man with paintball guns. I was surprised that they were smart enough to use a gun, none the less hit the guy.

-The girls put on a fashion show at the old folks home. The best part was seeing the outfits they crafted for these old people. There were words like "pimp daddy" and "sexy" painted on them. I have to give it up for the rich girls because they honestly seemed genuine when giving the old peeps a good time.

Sure it was crap television, but you would be lying if you said that you hadn't found yourself watching something absurd on a lonely spring afternoon. This is one of the reasons why cable television can be great. It is amazing that you can watch something you didn't even know you wanted to see. Think about it.

So you got the fax. So why didn't you add it to the resume? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh excuse me, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I'm dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell and I will see you there. Burning. Fine. Oh, wait, so you'll let me know when you've made a decision?

I have been Michael's number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

The good doctor's client canceled on him this week. We have rescheduled for next week and the word is that it could be a real power session. I apologize to anyone who was expected some indirect therapy. Dr. Phil might be of some help until next weekend.

I talk out of my ass a lot. I can't help it. It feels good. Kind of like a soft massaging tickle. There aren't many people who would object to such a thing. My point is that you all might not always want to hear it. So, with that, I would like to know what you do want to hear from me. This week I am taking open submissions for topics or any questions you would like to ask me. As long as they are loosely related to what I do here I will answer them. Please think about something and send it my way. Otherwise I will be forced to create emails from all of you. I can promise that they won't be pretty emails. You all will most likely come off as real creepy perverts. Some of you might have a thing for sheep. Then again, if you just send me a one sentence question I can't help but rethink this whole creative writing project.

A lot happened this week. Some of it was a bit tragic. My thoughts go out to students, friends, and family of Virginia Tech. That was an atrocity of an act and I can promise that if there is a hell that Seung-Hui Cho is going to get a burning object shoved up his ass. There are going to be all kinds of things blamed for what happened. Already fingers are being pointed at local authorities, the university itself, and so on. It is only a matter of time before Cho's upbringing, television, movies, video games, and society in general are all blamed for contributing to the madness. The fact of the matter is that this guy was messed up beyond belief. Sure he needed mental help, but there is more to it than that. I hate to say it, but I truly now believe that there is a benevolent force of evil in this world and a piece of it was in Seung-Hui Cho. You have to be a bit evil to do what he did. Plain and simple.

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